Boates and Cutler
iIt was the night of a blue moon, and two new pale white moons were soon going to add themselves to the panorama, moons of the butt variety.
At 2AM, Blake Cutler heard a knock at his door. He wasn’t wearing clothes because there was no point and he was going to die and nihilism. He stepped over two crates of Xabax (an off-brand pharmaceutical sent to him by his friend Blowah Blissero from Korea) and muttered “ennui” to himself.
At the door, wearing only a maple-leaf atop her genitals, was his arch-nemesis, Andrea Boates.
“HELL-OH BlAkey-b0o,” she cooed, her accent rounding out the “o.“‘s
“I work tilda apostropher 4 to 10 apostrophe hours a day, ennui,” he said. “Things like this don’t happen to ordinary Americans like me. Golly.”
“FUck Me Like Eye am the S0cial OrdAr,” she flung herself into his arms.
Blake was set aback. He was not used to such a sincere display of human affection! Andrea was surprised at her own forwardness; usually, she only beheaded men upon meeting them, eating the trails of their esophagi. Never did she imagine actually hugging Blake Cutler.
And yet, here they were: two enemies, in front of each other, naked. This was so much like the ending of that new Batman movie both of them were too cool to have seen!
“I DON”T ThinK we should BE DoINg this,” Andrea whispered, her voice rising and falling in inflection with her obscure capitalization, which, just by its very existence, was disseminating the patriarchy.
“Shh, shh, bby, you are safe with me,” Blake spoke the letters b and b and y with such smoothness, such strong and sincere strength, that Andrea could not help but feel comforted. She wanted her Canadian borders to be breached by this madman, for him to plant a flag for ‘Merica atop her un-frakked body.
“Can we let Megan and Marie watch?” Andrea asked.
“No, they live in a sex dungeon in VICE’s basements. They’re not allowed outside.”
I KNEw It, Andrea thought to herself.
Blake put a finger to his lips, to shush her. He took Andrea’s thin northern wrists in his malnourished hands and led her to his mattress.
Blake kissed Andrea’s belly button all around, and she giggled, and then oohed with pleasure. No man had ever eaten out her belly button lint before. O! the beauty of discovery.
Andrea threw Blake onto his back. She put a finger to his lips and inched down toward the lower half of his body. He thought for sure she was going to perform fellatio and he was very excited. But what happened was even more exciting: Andrea picked his feet up to her ears and pretended they were bunny ears! It was the most adorable thing ever.
And then they had missionary-style sex and fell asleep on top of each other and woke up and bought Starbucks and each pretended the mixture of caffeine and chocolate didn’t make them have to poop.